L IS FOR THE WAY YOU LOOK AT ME
I've just finished reading Boys Meets Girl and it indeed took a while.
I'm not just an avid reader. I'm also a procrastinating avid reader when my pace gets disrupted. But I am glad that I had paid 17 bucks for it. This book explores God-centered relationships between a man and women that are driven with a purposeful and worthy cause. It also offers practical suggestions on dealing with the grey areas of a relationship such as passionate loving and sexual purity.
I've this raunchy childhood joke that goes like this.
Ah Beng whispers to Ah Lian: 如果你愛我, 你为什么不给我!
Not that I endorsed the abovementioned, but this book has helped me to understand that many of my old ways of perceiving relationships are fallacious and detrimental to any human relations.
I used to think this way, if a relationship works out, great! otherwise, let's move on cus life still goes on. It's just for the pleasure of the moment anyway. It might seem like a very sane, humane and wholesomely plausible principle. But before I knew anything , I had actually gone out with 4 different girls in a year. Precisely because I moved on each time something somewhere didn't work out. And because I've compromised and given my heart too many times away in short-termed relationship, I suffered as a result. I would ask myself, will I have anything left to give to the one I marry in the end? I guess I identified with Joshua Harris because of some similar experiences he went through. Wrong moves, bad mistakes.
However, I have also learnt that God's love and grace cover even the worst sin. A certain preacher was asked this question, if you could tell Adolf Hitler one thing, what will you say to him? So he answered, I will point Hitler to the Lord Jesus Christ to receive salvation because God's love is greater than the worst sin that humanity can devise. Aren't you amazed?
In part 3 of Boy Meets Girl, Josh included a chapter titled When Your Past Comes Knocking - How You Can Face Past Sexual Sin And Experience God's Forgiveness. It talks about overcoming the memories and guilt of past sins that come knocking to remind, to taunt and condemn.
In his first book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, Joshua shared this story. It was a dream he personally had. And he titled it, The Dream ..
In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I found myself in the room. There were no distinguishing features save for the one wall covered with small index-card files. They were like the ones in libraries that list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files, which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endlessly in either direction, had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first to catch my attention was one that read "Girls I Have Liked." I opened it and began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize that I recognized the names written on each one.
And then without being told, I knew exactly where I was. This lifeless room with its small files was a crude catalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment, big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match.
A sense of wonder and curiosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly opening files and exploring their content. Some brought joy and sweet memories; others a sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to see if anyone was watching. A file named "Friends" was next to one marked "Friends I Have Betrayed."
The titles ranged from the mundane to the outright weird. "Books I Have Read," "Lies I Have Told," "Comfort I Have Given," "Jokes I Have Laughed At." Some were almost hilarious in their exactness: "Things I've Yelled at My Brothers." Others I couldn't laugh at: "Things I Have Done in My Anger," "Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents." I never ceased to be surprised by the contents. Often there were many more cards than I expected. Sometimes fewer than I hoped.
I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the life I had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my 20 years to write each of these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed this truth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked "Songs I Have Listened To," I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cards were packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found the end of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of music, but more by the vast amount of time I knew that file represented.
When I came to a file marked "Lustful Thoughts," I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only an inch, not willing to test its size, and drew out a card. I shuddered at its detailed content. I felt sick to think that such a moment had been recorded.
An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: "No one must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroy them!" In an insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matter now. I had to empty it and burn the cards. But as I took it at one end and began pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I became desperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I tried to tear it
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file to its slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pitying sigh. And then I saw it. The title bore "People I Have Shared the Gospel With." The handle was brighter than those around it, newer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than three inches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on one hand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deep that they hurt started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on my knees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all. The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, ever know of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key.
But then as I pushed away the tears, I saw Him. No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.
I watched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. I couldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myself to look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Why did He have to read every one?
Finally He turned and looked at me from across the room. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity that didn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and began to cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said so many things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files. Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began to sign His name over mine on each card.
"No!" I shouted rushing to Him. All I could find to say was "No, no," as I pulled the card from Him. His name shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich, so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine. It was written with His blood.
He gently took the card back. He smiled a sad smile and began to sign the cards. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly, but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back to my side. He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, "It is finished."
I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock on its door. There were still cards to be written.
By Joshua Harris. Orginally published in New Attitude Magazine. Copyright New Attitude, 1995. You have permission to reprint this in any form. We only ask that you include the appropriate copyright byline and do not alter the content./span>
I almost teared when I read the story for the first time. Just when I think I've mastered the essentials of God, I discovered that there is so much more to learn.
posted by kevin @ 2:20 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home